I. AND SO, I DECIDED TO LEAVE.

My whole life I´ve struggled with this thought nagging at the back of my head;

To settle and make the best out of it, or keep searching for my path, something that feels I’m being true to myself and what I really want.

Does that makes sense? I don´t know if I´m explaining myself…as per usual.

But hey…I tried…I tried to have the honest life…well as honest as I could make it…which was not really that honest actually… like at all.

The thing is; I was just not doing what I really wanted, and because of that I was constantly conflicted with every decision I made and making some stupid ass mistakes.

I had my college degree, some kind of plan to settle with my partner at that time, somewhere, somehow. I was ready to place my feet on the ground and do what needed to be done to live that way. A life I thought I wanted and that I needed.

Yet everytime I had a little taste of what it meant to risk it all, be it from hearing a random anecdote from a friend, a certain f+cked up situation I had gotten myself into or just surfing that wave I thought impossible for someone like me to ride…The fever would kick in…that tick you get when you are about to send it all to hell.

And I so would tell myself;

Is all good bro, you are going back home now, grind your ass off for a few months and then maybe get another chance at travelling somewhere cool for a few days, you gonna make your friends proud, keep good ol´Dad happy and with one less worry in his life…and hey! maybe actually get your love life to work.

Nope…

Big NAH…

What I really wanted was to put my head in the deep end, to eat as much sh+t as possible, to go on a crusade of constant challenges.

Does that make me…

A masochist?

20 something years old, and already trying to settle down in the concrete jungle? PFFFFF I couldn´t have been lying to myself anymore than a blind man when he says he doesn´t mind not being able to see the world.

The difference between me and the blind man is;

I didn´t have to accept it.

I didn´t have to conform to the way I thought I needed to live my life, comparing myself to others and letting my self doubt ruin my decisions which ultimately led me to hurt myself and the people I love.

It all just came down to how I saw myself, comparing my unhappiness with other people´s lives.

Oh that dude seems happy, oh and he´s got an actual 9-5 job, oh and he can drive a car, he probably got his sh+t super sorted out?? Oh and probably a bunch of nice friends to talk to about world problems and football. As well as going on cool one week trips to Morocco every so often. F+ck man I need that!

I realized; hey, how would I know if they truly were happy deep inside, and what business was it of mine to think if they were or weren´t?

I had to focus on myself.

Regain control over my decisions, my thoughts, my objectives, and do what actually felt right to me.

A constant life of comparison and wanting to be a “normal and cool” almost made me decide to give up what I love. Capturing epic content and Surfing. To go back to the grind life. And what was the reason? Yeah… To prove to my family, my friends and yeah fine I´ll admit it…and my ex, I could be a grounded, responsible adult that is totally sane and mentally ready for living an “adult” life.

Of course, it was really never about that.

It was just me thinking that if I lived that way I´d be fulfilled and make some kind of respectable character development.

I just read those last few paragraphs and…fewww…What the hell was going on through my mind dude?

Where was my brain? ;

Did I have absolutely no self respect or self worth?

The hypocrisy of my actions and the way I thought was just unaccaptable,both for me and for the people I loved.

I needed to live my life and enjoy it, because I could, and have the choice to do so. Giving up this opportunity would be an insult to the universe.

I´m lucky, I really am, in reality I never had to prove anything to anyone. The people I hold dear to my heart just wanted me to be happy, whatever that might be.

There´s plenty of time to park the car, to find love, a home, be part of a community, grow professionally and save thousands of euros in my bank account…ideally.

And if I can´t achieve none of these things, then it is what it is, because in my eyes, I´d have overcame many other challenges that are important to me and the path I have chosen.

And so, I decided to leave that Adrián behind, the one who continuously doubted himself, the one who would constantly dissapointing others, even if I didn´t mean it. Always trying to be; be cool, be friendly, be attractive, be good at surfing, be good at sex, be the best at drinking liters of beer until you black out and wake up having pissed your pants in your girlfriends bed… but most importantly…stop lying to myself and hurting my loved ones.

The only thing I can do as a person, as part of this life and this world… is just be a little bit better than yesterday…

I think that by just wanting to do stuff and enjoy doing them without malice, then that is more than enough to feel good.

I don´t need my videos/photos liked by everyone, I don´t have to prove to my friends I´m good at surfing. I don´t have to prove to anyone that I´m a good person, and I certainly don´t have to keep bashing my head against the wall asking why/why/why did I do all those things that just weren´t me.

They happened, so that´s it, just do not to do them again.

All I have to do is be better than who I was yesterday…
If I can achieve that, then nothing else really matters. I want to believe in myself and in this game we call life, and regain love for who I am.

I don´t need to have a purpose, this blog doesn´t need to have a purpose, my mistakes and my achievements don´t need a purpose.

As long as I stay true to myself and not hurt … life is good and so am I.

At the end of the day, I´m just a dude trying to get some nice pictures with his camera (god bless 4k and burst mode) get little spray from a backside snap every now and then.

And ofcourse, hopefully, one day get laid again…

Now I´m not saying I´m living life as If I were Jay Alvarez in his renaissance era, not at all. I´m just fullfilled in knowing I’m going full on with my decisions and from now I get to choose what I really want to do. I have trust in my judgement and who I am becoming.

And to be fair, I like the idea that I can just grab my car on a Tuesday at 6am and drop in on some shark infested waves. Totally not man eaters, or so the locals say, but still scary as it can be.

To be able to trust in my path is the greatest gift I can ask for.

Indeed, it is a very interesting time in my existence, learning to live and living to learn, every day a bit more…

END OF THIS MEDITATION.

In the next blogs I promise to be less existential.

What does that even mean? IDK

The Path will be a random collection of stories that have happened in my life, might be in order of occurrence or just cuz I woke up feeling like it. Full of amazing images and perhaps cute lil highlight videos for those that can´t spend 10 minutes of their lives reading a few paragraphs, or just cuz my grammar is absolute bullcrap.

At some point the story will be about my current time here in New Zealand.

Well that´s the plan at least, let´s see how the cookie crumbles.

With love,

Adrián.

Somewhere in Central America. 2023. By Elia Van Looy.